Rainawithchronicillness is pleased to have a special guest blogger, Dani, author, and creator of The Village Girl– Life Begins At The End Of Your Comfort Zone. She is going to take us on her personal journey of a Philippines ‘ girl life of pleasing her family while working on self-discovery. Imagine what her life is like when her family’s happiness collide with self-discovery and how she learned to love herself first.
Dani is a plus-sized Filipina ADHD kid, recovering shopaholic, alcoholic and workaholic. She doesn’t take herself seriously. She has an insatiable wanderlust, out of this world food cravings and goof addiction. If she is not busy planning her next adventure, she will be spotted taking OOTDs and OOTNs. She took a break from the crazy corporate world to see the real one. This is not another travel blog. This is her journey to self-discovery,… embracing flaws and feeding her soul of what sets it on fire. She is out to prove that life begins at the end of the comfort zone.
I couldn’t get up. I am physically okay but I couldn’t get up.
I am so close to believing that depression myths are indeed true.
I have tried everything I read about self-care and how to change mood instantly but nothing seemed to work.
I was still forcing myself to work. My body, my brain, my heart, and my soul are exhausted. If there is a stronger word than burn out, I need that in my life. Maybe somehow, it will help me get out of bed once I have successfully put a name on it, only I still couldn’t.
I want to get up. Laying down in the morning is not really my thing. I have developed a morning ritual to get me through the day and I love doing them. I love sweet and simple days.
I am a freelancer
I am what they call a freelancer. If I don’t get up to deliver the work I have said yes to, I will not get paid. I will not eat. My family in the Philippines will not eat too. For a year and a half now, I have another title at the end of my name. A breadwinner.
You see, I became a typical Filipino Overseas Worker. I am expected to somehow tolerate my family’s financial dependency. It is just how it is. It runs deep in our culture and my heart goes for every single Filipino in the whole world who is doing this. I am amazed by the sacrifice. It is not easy to put other people’s need first.
Three years ago, I quit my secured banking job in Malaysia without enough savings nor a concrete plan of where to go and what to do.
I have only one life and irony of all irony, I didn’t know what to do with it or if I still wanted to keep it. I didn’t even want to end it. I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
I recovered from a meltdown I didn’t know I had and couldn’t admit because no one from my family has ever said they have experienced this and none from my friends nor acquaintance has ever mentioned having this.
Is my race immune to having this or is this only a first-world problem?
Is asking where life is going a first world problem?
Don’t we, third world citizens, get to live just once too?
Or are we third world citizens don’t have the time to think about it because we are more focused on having a better quality of life?
Do I act as if I am a first world citizen because my parents sent me to where the rich people in our country go to get an education and now that I have also experienced life in the first world countries, also became more aware that mental health matters too and I shouldn’t just ignore it?
I want to be my own woman but I also want to make my family happy. I didn’t know that culture can also clash inside a person.
I am from the Philippines.
I am a poor village girl from a family of farmers. Our society has taken the definition of double standard society seriously. We don’t choose our words to use to our women and to our daughters. We only follow what our parents and elders say. We fear being branded as a woman of loose morals.
If a woman living her life not scared of what others will say about her, we trash talk that woman. A woman in our definition is someone who doesn’t wear short shorts or body-hugging dresses and must stay at home to attend to the needs of the husband and the kids. Something I am sure I never wanted unless until I am able to do what I wanted.
I moved to Malaysia when a guy almost made what I was scared of happening. After two years and with a career and life that I thought I wanted, it happened again. I found myself in Germany. You see, I have mastered running away.
Where is this life going?
I am tired of running away and figuring out what I really wanted. How can I start living the life that I want and making my family happy at the same time? How will I be happy if my family is not happy for me? Is seeing me happy not part of my family’s dream for me? How will I be able to bounce back from rock bottom if my family makes me carry so much weight? What if for once in my life, I truly follow my heart and leave everything that weighs me down?
What if for once I truly make myself happy?
What if I just am me? So cut the toxic relationship I did. It feels good but now it really feels that I am truly homeless.
Without family, I am like a rootless tree that will fall even on the slightest breeze. But I have to do it. I can’t hold on to something that makes me miserable forever even if it’s the people who made my being alive possible.
This is the hardest thing to bear.
This is the deepest wound I ever had in my life. It is still hard to admit that I am born in a wrong culture or maybe after years and years of being independent and continent-hopping, I have accumulated a lot of things that eventually made me grow to a different person. I couldn’t fit the slot that my family has always reserved for me.
I need a place where I can spread my wings. I can’t be in a place where my wings are being constantly made fun of and threatened to be cut off.
I can’t continue reading self-improvement books and continue to say that I have learned if I am not applying them to myself. My misery will never end. I need to make it clear that I can’t help people if I myself need help too. It’s hard to give what I don’t have and if continuing the journey to loving myself to save my sanity is wrong, I don’t want to be right.